Years ago, my friend Margo Moten, who is Black, pointed out a Black man hanging out on a street corner near her house, and she said, “I hate that guy. He makes all Blacks look bad”. I had never thought of it before, she clearly wasn’t him, and I don’t like to generalize, but I could see her point. In a world where Blacks were already painted as lazy, or bad, or whatever, that guy wasn’t helping the cause by supporting the narrative she was trying to break. In that same spirit…
It’s difficult enough for men who protest that “men don’t all” oppress women, or rape them or beat them, or whatever. In a sexist world, as some would call it, this week or two have been particularly difficult. In an America where a statistically significant portion of women say “#MeToo”, the chance that you’re in a room with a survivor is high, no matter where you go.
Of that number , a high percentage of women (and men) have been triggered, making them deal with their trauma all over again. Given that atmosphere, I just want to say a few things:
1) Judge Kavanaugh, if the accusations are true doesn’t make me proud to be a man. Actually, even if the accusations are not true, the stories surrounding him happen so often that the allegations just make life harder for everybody to see the good in each other.
2) The entire Republican White Male defenders of Kavanaugh on the Senate Judiciary Committee who seem to have absolutely no interest in the truth, or finding out what it was/is don’t make Republican White Men — or men in general — look very good. It’s hard to convince your spouse or coworker or classmate that they are safe with guys like them around.
3) Lest it needs to be said, the President is no role model, either, when it comes to men and women. His lifestyle, his acts, and his words make men look horrible. If there was a way to have him and men like him thrown of my gender, I would. If, as he says, he “has no attorney general”, then I have no President.
Now, here’s the thing I want to say: most men are not rapists, molesters, abusers or such a thing. I’m not being defensive here. I’m not saying “not all men do this”, I’m saying that most men don’t.
Why do I say this? What facts do I have to support this? I don’t have statistics for any of this. I can say that 15% of men are molested themselves and — of that — 7/8 don’t go on to re-offend. That’s the closest thing I have to a verifiable fact I have. I suspect that most men don’t sexually assault men for two reasons
1) Somebody’s got to be raising good kids who are respectful of women . There are lots of good parents out there. Good parents raise good sons.
2) women still marry men for love. If there were that many jerks out there, women wouldn’t marry men. They wouldn’t have a second date, let alone make a permanently bad choice.
I say all of this is not because I’m a perfect gentleman . I’m sure I’m not in broad strokes. But most men I know are appalled by the whole thing, Most men have wives or daughters who they wouldn’t want anything to happen to. Most men remember Clarence Thomas’ election to the court and the whole Anita Hill thing. We’ve got to have learned something by now. With all that knowledge, any man who engages in such behavior is choosing to be a jerk.
I hope this helps women feel safer, though I understand if it doesn’t — especially this week.
Resisting with Peace,
John
Because It Matters 